My spouse and I are currently in counseling. One of the many sources of knowledge of our therapist is Dr. David Schnarch’s volume, Constructing the Sexual Crucible. In it, he proposes many things, but one of those things I wish to bring up here is regarding delayed orgasm. I will quote here at length from Dr. Schnarch’s follow-up book, Resurrecting Sex:

“Although most men and women have occasional difficulty reaching orgasm, persistent delay or absence of orgasm is a significant problem for some. Women and men who have difficulty reaching orgasm often feel tremendous pressure…Many women are unable to reach orgasm during intercourse…In the 1994 NHSLS study, orgasm problems were the second most common complaint from women of all ages…According to the NHSLS study, one man in a dozen has difficulty reaching orgasm…Male problems with delayed orgasm typically invlove not being able to reach a climax after trying for some time. However, some men find ther orgasm and ejaculation are ‘out of sync.’…Some men, like some women, don’t acknowledge difficulties having orgasms, especially if their self-worth is on the line…”

Dr. Schnarch underlines the importance of emotional attachment in later chapters to undergird and shore up orgasm potential. In other words, people are having difficulty reaching orgasm due to excessive emotional detachment. Furthermore, sexual activity that is engaged while in the emotionally detached state will have the characteristic of needing increasing amount of “kink” to kick start the orgasmic process. Not to denigrate the “kink industry” or ethos if you will, because I strongly endorse inclusion of “kinkiness” that is emotionally engaged, open, consensual, loving, and orgasm-promoting that is consistent with the underpinnings of the Sex Positive Movement. At the same point, we can now understand why some in history have gone to such extremes to get sexual satisfaction, and have scared those who are inherently more conservative. For instance, if you go the the writings of the Marquis de Sade, and directly read the fiction that he actually wrote, for instance the novel “Justine, or ‘Good Conduct Well Chastised’”, one finds a description of brutality that is quite beyond what one might expect from today’s average BDSM fiction writer. It is the emotional detachment that serves as the trap to entice the sexual adventurer to seek out ever more stimulating sources of entertainment in order to derive orgasmic satisfaction. Likewise, emotional attachment, which is to say, emotional engagement with one’s partner, which is also known as empathy, emotional mirroring, and many other descriptive terms, reinvigorates the orgasmic potential and sensitizes the person to stimulation, lowering the threshold needed for achieving sexual satisfaction. That is why true love strengthens sexual satisfaction, to the extent that true love is defined as the process of dynamic, effective empathic connection with one’s partner. As an aside, I believe this process is largely related to serotonin, oxytocin, and similar receptor systems that have saturation properties which can sometimes be disturbed by outside intervention, such as the use of the SSRI class of antidepressants, such as Prozac (fluoxetine), Paxil (paroxetine), Wellbutrin (bupropion), Zoloft (sertraline), Celexa (citalopram), Lexapro (escitalopram), Effexor (venlafaxine), and Luvox (fluvoxamine).

By way of example, I would like to bring into the discussion a recently released erotic movie, Tristan Taormino’s Rough Sex. It may seem odd for me to cite an erotic movie as containing the working materials for a healthy relationship, as some of the actors are not long term couples, which goes against the grain for some readers. However, I do think that what each of the couples filmed in this project do share is a strong empathy which shows itself in the enjoyment of the participating actors. Now granted, the title is about “Rough Sex” and the stimulation is very strong indeed in this movie, however it is not as extreme as some of the offerings that have surfaced over the years, nor is it certainly near the degree of violence of the Marquis de Sade’s imagination. Furthermore, there is a long interview section that really gives insight into each actors feelings about the sexual act, and they demonstrate a level of maturity and empathic potential that far outpaces what probably some unfortunate marrieds might experience. The point is not to say that the duration of relationship is the important thing but rather the empathic connection that creates the orgasmic heat for the participants. I am not endorsing or denigrating short or long term relationships of any kind. What I am criticizing is relationships that lack empathic connection. These are the sad relationships. These are the ones in desperate need of repair. Caring and understanding brings hope and joy to all relationships and they will put the “gasm” back in your orgasm for sure.

I hope this article is of benefit to those kind enough to read it.

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